The way of knowing
by Pebr
Summary: Leo finds a new incense and thinks about his brothers. What if they went mad?


**A/N:** I'm back! With a story I'm really not happy with, but I got this intense need to write something. I can't bear to read my old stories, ugh I want to edit them so bad…! Also, I can't believe I was gone for so long.

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><p>The smell of incense filled the dojo as Leo lowered himself into a sitting position. He had been arranging his belongings earlier today, and found a packing of incense, all forgotten in his room. The package had been beautiful, and its smell was even better. Leo couldn't exactly put his finger on what it smelled like. It was soft, making Leo feel relaxed almost immediately. He didn't know if it was just because he was curious about the new incense, or if it really was that good. It quickly made him close his eyes and it didn't take long for his thoughts to start flying.<p>

Naturally, his mind went to his brothers. Leo was in good terms with all of them, even with Raphael. In fact, he couldn't even remember when he they had actually fought over something, of course there was always some tiny bickering about something. His mind took him to one of their latest fights: some kind of new drug had been passed on the streets, and the Purple Dragons had – of course – been part of it. On their patrol the had ran into Purple Dragons and gotten into a fight, realizing, that some of them had been using the drug. Those guys had been crazy – just trying to hit anything that was moving, laughing, acting recklessly. It had been an easy fight, but it had been kind of disturbing to fight someone who laughed even though you had just kicked them into their face.

Leo wondered how something could affect people like that. He sure as hell wanted to stay away from drugs. But it made him think about how a person could change so much. What if one of his brothers was to change?

Donatello had the gentlest heart: he was caring and in all ways easy to love. They all knew that he endlessly sought knowledge, if there was something he didn't know, he would work until he'd find out its meaning. It was how he was, interested in all things from machines to the ways a biologic system worked. His knowledge and skill had saved them many times. But they also knew that... instead of a normal hobby it would sometimes… resemble an obsession. Everybody had stuff they would skip a night's sleep for, but when that stuff involved a scalpel and a mutant's body…

Leonardo had seen the curios glint in his eyes when they had seen gored bodies. Of course Don had also been sickened by the sight, but Leo couldn't help but to wonder. Was Donatello feeling sick seeing the broken human, or by his fascination to seeing it?

Donatello never hurt anyone unless he had to. And being a ninja, he kind of had to do that. Often. But Donatello was always soft with his words, always so easy to talk to. Always considered the healer because of his knowledge. So of course Don would never lay a hand on them, never become _crazy_ – that would never even cross Leo's mind.

Whereas Donatello fought only when it was needed, Raphael ran after possible targets whenever he could. He enjoyed punching baddies, probably because that meant saving innocent people from trouble, and at the same time he got to kick some butt. But what if he would lose his cause, what if it no longer mattered _who_ it was who he was kicking? He chased after fights to forget everything else, to live in the moment. What if he couldn't get out of the moment? What if the hits weren't enough? What if he wanted more?

What would Leonardo do? He could barely control Raphael as it was. Most of the time the hothead did as he pleased. What if seeing bodies roll would become the only pleasure? How could he reason with a mad person? How did Leo know that Raphael wasn't already going mad, and his anger was just a sign of that? What if Raph himself knew that he was going mad, and was always so angry for that reason?

Always punching his brothers a bit too hard during practice on "accident" because he wanted them to get away from him before it was too late? No – it was just how Raph was. Impatient, strong. The incense didn't smell so good anymore.

Michelangelo went through all the harsh and emotionally challenging stuff the same way the rest of them did, yet he was always joking, always smiling. Always turning the bad into good with his attitude. How was that possible? Mikey wasn't stupid, although it was easy for him to give that impression, so it wasn't like he didn't get the seriousness of the situation. Of course he got it. Of course he suffered from it the same as his brothers did. But he managed to hide it, managed to turn it into positive thinking. Or did he? What if the heavy stuff just didn't affect Mikey? What if he just pretended to be serious whenever he was – what if in reality he actually didn't feel bad about the bad things happening?

What if he'd carry on killing foot soldiers and other bad guys, carrying his smile, joking in the middle of it? What if he really didn't cope with the things happening around, so he had just decided to turn a blind eye to it, pretending he was doing something that you could actually joke about? What if he didn't care? What if it didn't _matter _to him?

But _of course _that wasn't the case. Michelangelo had a heart as pure as Donatello, caring for others from the bottom of his heart. Raphael cared too; all three of them just did it in a different way. Leo couldn't understand why he was thinking about this, it certainly had made him feel uneasy and bad. It felt like someone else was putting all these questions in his head, then leaving Leo to deal with them. He wanted to chase these thoughts away, but one final question remained.

How would Leo himself act, if he'd go mad?

As Leonardo compared himself to his brothers possible ways of 'losing it', he felt sick to his stomach. He realized that he was already what he feared for his brothers to become: obsessed, living for nothing but fighting and pushing his emotions away. Raphael made sure to remind him about his 'obsession' to be a perfect leader, to keep everyone in control. He had heard Donatello and Michelangelo speak with hushed voices about how Leonardo didn't seem to have life outside fighting: whenever they weren't outside protecting the city, Leo would always be training for it and planning it. And Leo knew he had pushed his emotions away too many times in order to appear flawless that it had become… him. That was what he was.

Didn't that mean that he was _already mad?_

Leo felt self-aware. The phrase "_how do you know if you're crazy?_" started to plague his mind and he wondered if his brothers already knew that he was… crazy. He felt sick about the thought, what if it was really true? Leonardo had to open his eyes and grab his head with his hands. Was he really nothing but a crazy person? If this was to be cured or somehow taken care of, what would be left?

What would he be without his craziness?

It was hard to breathe and Leo had to get up, get outside. He stumbled as he rose, feeling dizzy. He knew he didn't have an interesting personality, knew he had been called boring more than often, but it felt bad. It felt so bad to think that he was nothing but crazy, and that his brothers had been dealing with that since… forever. And he hadn't even known. He couldn't imagine how his brothers felt if they had known it all this time. Did they just play nice to Leo because they felt pity? Leo's sickness grew at the thought.

As he opened the door of the dojo to escape, he almost ran straight into Donatello. He met Donatello's confused gaze, but before he could try to get away, Don had placed a warm hand on his shoulder.

"Leo, what's wrong? You're shaking. Did something happen?"

It took him a moment to realize that Don had asked him something, and even when he did realize it, all he could do was to stare. He could still feel his heart beating, caused by the distress he had felt. But suddenly his head was blank – he realized he could actually breathe normally and he didn't feel dizzy anymore.

He didn't feel sick either – just stupid, staring stupidly at Don who only looked worried.

"No – nothing's wro…" Leo started, remembering why he had been so distressed in the first place. He remembered clearly feeling so sick, but now he didn't. Leo glanced over his shoulder, back to the dojo. He stepped back in, and Donatello followed him, his worry growing at his big brothers weird behavior.

As they stepped inside, both of them rose. The incense smelled horrible; it was bitter, dry and almost _threatening. _Both of them quickly stepped outside, closing the door. Then they stared at each other.

"Leo, what on earth was that?" Donatello asked, confused. "That smell was…"

"I don't understand", Leonardo said, just as confused. He frowned. "When I started, it smelled so good – but then… it got weird and I-", Leonardo tried to explain, but didn't quite know how to put his words. It felt so weird now. To think such things…

"You seemed pretty shaken when you got out", Donatello said, sounding gentle. "Where did you get that incense?"

"I found it earlier. I've gotten it from somewhere and then forgotten about it. It made me think about such weird things, Don, it was... bad", Leo came into conclusion, crossing his arms. The incense must've been the reason for his weird thoughts. Don looked puzzled.

"Well, we'd better get that smell out of there. You okay, Leo? You know you can talk about it."

"I'm okay", Leo said, and Donatello offered to take care of the dojo. Leo thanked him and walked towards his room. Sleep sounded suddenly really welcoming.

Just as he closed his eyes, he heard his door open and Don calling for him. Leo opened his eyes and turned to look at his door, only to see that nobody was there and the door was closed.

Leo's heart dropped.

"_How do you know if you're crazy?_"


End file.
